I think I've stumbled across something

This morning a realization came to me and I think it came to finally stay. It may be the result of thoughts hanging around my head like light bulbs in a tree for the last few days. Realizations like this show me the true magic of life. They help me understand that I don't have to have my answers ready and that I can't. The make me see that things come when it's time for them. Through that I gain confidence and trust. The trust needed to believe that at the end of the day, all answers somehow lay dormant within me from the start.

Those thoughts feel like old friends. They have been with me for a long time already. They come to ask me: what is enough and when is enough?

We know each other well by now but usually only find to each other when in a rush. So there was hardly any time for an honest conversation to get to know and understand each other. But now that I am here, in the monastery, I am once again surrounded by stability after a long time. A slow life and mindful action are possible here, are the focus here. Even if they weren't with me every day, the practice of them by others would probably rub off on me. It's hard to grasp the value of a place that offers something like this.

today

How can anything ever be enough if I don't recognize it as such?

If I don't see it for myself, don't recognize it as my truth - how can I ever feel and find what is enough?

So I will always feel like what I am doing is not enough if it is not enough for myself.

But how do I change my mindset? As always, I believe the responsibility lies with myself. Realizing this makes everything easy and at the same time a Herculean task.

• It may be the incessant striving for more that makes me run through life like a rabbit with a carrot dangling in front of its nose. That I do this, but above all that it is not healthy to do so, was pointed out to me by the nun in the library on the first day of my stay here in the monastery. I only remembered what she told me when I was gathering my thoughts today. It was the print on my shirt that made her share her knowledge: a hand raised in a fist, holding a sunflower. It breaks through 5 rocks and the sunflower stands at the top - intact and radiant. The nun said that this image stands for lightness and a modest life. How are the two connected?

Modest, not striving for more than I need and more that is. Is that the secret?

I know it's not about finding the one thing and then never lifting a finger again. Not about committing to one thing and never exploring my thoughts again. At the same time, that's exactly what I do. With every cell I live and breathe the question: is that it?

No matter where I go, my being is enveloped and accompanied by this question.
If I was to be more modest, I would not strive for more. If I was more modest, then I would be rooted in the present moment, I wouldn't want more.

Whenever I make frugality a part of my doing, I notice that it makes me more attentive. I makes me want to be satisfied with the "little" that is available to me and thus pay more attention to the small details. This develops into gratitude and appreciation.

So now I try not to think about seconds when I take my first bite of lunch. I want to be content with what's on my plate. So far, so good.

tomorrow

How does what I am doing relate to the rest of my life?

Is what I am doing right now the right thing, is it the best thing, will it get me the furthest?

All these thoughts are based on the deeply rooted belief that there must be more to come. That this cant be it yet and that I have to keep searching for the one thing that really fulfills me, that really has meaning.

And although what is and what was is of course not everything, it is still quite a lot. All too often I can't see that.

The magic of the now melts in my hands. I don't value it, because my head is waiting for something even bigger. Moments slip through my fingers. When will I realize that what I do every day is the material out of which meaning is made?

No moment happens in isolation from the rest. It all belongs together. It is all interwoven. But I will never be able to see the way it is all connected from here. Doesn't it make more sense to stop the desperate need for connecting the dots and instead start giving the present moment the meaning it deserves?

what is meaning

And just like I chase after the next best thing and never find what is enough, I will also not find meaning by chasing after it.

One of the nuns casually mentioned in a conversation a few days ago: "Meaning is not something that can be found. We have to give meaning to things in order for it to emerge."

I have never considered this before, but the meaning of things will not just appear in front of me. Nor is it waiting for me to find it. No, it is up to me to fill the things that make up life with meaning.

Something can only carry meaning in itself if I give it meaning. This does not happen overnight or by just passing by. It is the opposite of these things. It is the time that you devote to something and the dedication and attentiveness you give to it.

It is only in the depths that specialness is found. Everything is the same on the surface. It is in the depths that the wonder and uniqueness are revealed. Just imagine the sea, or imagine a person you meet, or a place. It makes sense.

It also makes sense that we and meaning find it so difficult to find to each other. Our earth is spinning far too fast. We can't keep up with the pace of life, even if we think we can. One of the nuns said to us yesterday: "If you drive too fast, you can't see the beautiful surroundings you're driving through."

As we rush from thing to thing, there is hardly any time to look beyond their frame. In a world of so many possibilities, detail gets lost. We simply get overwhelmed by possibilities. How are we supposed to devote ourselves to something long term in this world?

modesty

I sit here and think I don't need any more.
I'm sitting here, feeling the wind gently brush my arms and face and thinking that I don't need any more.
I sit here, my gaze resting calmly on the swaying trees. I don't need any more.

But if I leave this place, this truth might leave me too.
If I leave this place, perhaps I will leave this reality behind me forever.
Out there in the world, I won't get far with this.

If only I could feed on your leaves,
If it was enough for me to sleep under your branches -
I just want it to be easy.

What is true today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Today's good may be tomorrow's daunt.
Not needing much,
not wanting much -
hard to live by in this world.

It's never enough and yet always too much.
So I need nothing but want so much.
To achieve so much, to see so much,
I want to become so much, go so far.

calm

A leaf falls and it swings,
from left to right,
from above and below
and I recognize,
despite the up and down -
it does arrive at some point.

It always remains in motion,
remains in balance.
Yes, it doesn't fall, it sails.
In complete peace,
perfect beauty.

It surrenders
to the wind and its unsteadiness.
Can I do that too?
Perhaps I should too.

Being alive in these times, growing up at this time, finding orientation - that is the greatest balancing act.

It's understanding that everything is possible and at the same time only a fraction of it.

It's coming to terms with the fact that every single voice carries weight, while at the same time you disappear into the masses every day.

It is to know that the world is on fire, but that you can't put it out if you yourself are drowning in the flames.

The list could go on and on, but I think everyone gets the point. More than ever, we are being asked to find the middle way.

So I ask myself: what makes sense?

If I can't find meaning -
how do I know who or what is worth taking the risk for,
to give myself to it and let meaning grow?
What makes sense?
What is possible?
Therein lies a difference.
How rare are the moments of peace and delight.

It makes sense to live life and feel joy.
It makes sense to help people. All of them.
It makes sense to give, even if I get nothing.

Art makes sense.
Learning makes sense.
Love makes sense.

I finally want to let go, because I know that at the end of the day, what remains is what should remain. If I am attentive, modest and patient, nothing can go wrong. I harvest what I see. My life is a garden and I want to enjoy the view.