u-bahn thoughts

this is the dumping place for all the random ideas that would leave too fast if I didn't catch them. Just like this:

by putting the words down on paper I create a space where they can last forever, if I want them to.

11/09 meeting new people feels like finding puzzle pieces of me that have been spread out a while ago. through others, I discover new, hidden versions of myself. where once there were only a few big pieces, allowing only for a blurry picture to be perceives, those start to divide into smaller ones, giving my life more detail & depth, sharpening the view for what I want & need in my life.

13/09 if in doubt, do it.

For anyone struggeling to find their way & navigating life in their 20s... these podcast episodes from the psychology of your 20s somehow altered my view on this important decade of our lifes, making me feel more secure to further create a life according to what I want this time to be & feel like. Our 20s can be the time, where we're the most free, but also the time we look back on with the most regret, for all the things we haven't done.

To be honest, I think I'm way to selfish to live my life, constantly doing things for others and living on other peoples schedules. Putting my needs behind just doesn't feel like anything I want to do and it doesn't feel wrong to me, to live my life according to my wishes, unapologetically. I think if there is a time to be selfish & go after what I want, do whatever I want, go where ever & with whoever I want to do it, then it's now. The list of things I want to work on for myself is endless.

This, by no means, means that I don't want to give back or help people when they're in need. Neither do I want to isolate myself. I just can't make other people the focus of my life, yet. I know that there will be a time in my life, where I happily devote the majority of my time to enhance the well-being of my environment & the people in it, I can feel that & I know, that that is what will give me a sense of urgency. At the same time I know that I will only be able to give to others when I've invested a certain amount of time & care in myself. I can only give, when I have something to give. Right now, it's time for me & I'm allowing myself to be selfish.

22/09 ich hör rap, weil ich Worte liebe.

ich glaub, ich bin um einiges weniger selfish, als ich denke oder dachte. ich glaub, ich kann mich einfach nicht mehr mit dingen beschäftigen, die in meinen augen unsinnig sind. mehr als das, ich will nichts mehr machen, wo ich das gefühl hab, es bringt mich nicht voran, lässt mich stillstehen. ich will nichts mehr tun, dass meinen werten nicht entspricht. ich will mich nicht mehr einsetzen für die falschen menschen, für die falschen gründe.

29/09

Der Herbst kommt,

und wir gehen.

Du bist cool,

aber nicht besser als ich.

Ich werde uns nicht vergessen,

aber lauf dir ab heut nich mehr hinter her.

Ich denk an dich

& bin damit allein.

Der Herbst bringt meine Träume zum blühen,

ersetzt die Muse, die du mal für mich warst.

11/12 Ich glaub wir versuchen alle ständig die Antworten für unsere Probleme und selbst ausgedachten Rätsel dort draußen zu finden. In Büchern, in den Worten anderer, in den Sternen, und in jedem Funken Hoffnung. Doch ich bin mir sicher, dass alle Antworten, die wir brauchen, um weiter zukommen, in uns sind. Und dort wahrscheinlich schon immer waren. Kein Buch wird mir den Weg aufzeigen, den ich gehen muss, um dahin zukommen, wo ich ankommen will, mich in die Richtung lenken, in die ich wirklich gehen will.

Doch trotzdem lauf ich und lauf ich, immer auf der Suche nach der nächst besten Antwort- immer auf der Suche nach einer neuen Lösung für mein Rätsel. Ich laufe manchmal weit weg, grade, wenn ich es nicht mehr aushalte. Ich suche immer neue Wege, bewege mich in der Wahrheit, dass sich doch irgendwo, irgendwann der eine Weg vor mir ergeben muss. Die Welt, in der ich lebe wird mich mein Leben lang in diesem Labyrinth halten können, sie hat die Möglichkeiten dafür. Aber will ich es zulassen, obwohl ich es doch eigentlich besser weiß?

Wie schwer bleibt es doch sich der inneren Stimme hinzugeben in diesem Getümmel. Und mich zu sehen, das, was ich wirklich bin, in dem ganzen Trubel von Dingen, die ich nicht bin.

Weißt du woran ich merke, dass ich dich mag-, dass ich dich mag auf diese süße, liebliche Art und Weise? Es ist die Art wie ich denke, dass ich dich sehe, wenn Leute über dich erzählen, wobei ich doch nur eine dicke fette Reflexion meiner Gefühle für dich sehe. Es ist, wie ich denke, dass ich deine Anwesenheit im Raum spüre, wenn ich doch bloß angespannt bin, weil ich dir imponieren will. Es ist, wie ich denke, dass deine Augen leuchten, wenn wir uns angucken, obwohl es wahrscheinlich nur der Rückschein meiner Augen ist. Es ist, dass du in meinen Erinnerungen glimmerst und nun in der Kategorie der wunderschönen gelandet bist.

18/12 these days, from time to time and more and more with time do I see a flicker, like cracks in my reality. Do I see snippets of a future reality- like little visions of a future me. In those blissful mini seconds something comes, and leaves just as quick. I usually just notice it once it's gone. And all I see and feel is what it has left with me.

It's not a lot but it feels like everything.

It comes and leaves with me a vision of version of me that is fully indulged in her art. I see a life with me in it in which I am doing my art, with everything I am and feel. A world in where that is the most important thing in my life- my art is who decides what to do and where to go. It's what makes me go out and be alive. My art is the energy, the motor behind my actions. Something that only the people closest to me will be able to see. I will be doing everything I set my mind to simply because I owe it to myself and my art.

However, I don't think it's me through which I'm able to vision this life- it's due to people who see me as more than I see myself at this point. It's my mum talking about my plans, saying that I could live off of this some day, that I could insure myself as an artist already. It's people being impressed by my pieces and the choice of my words- it's everyone who enjoys reading this.

You make me see a version of me that has not yet arrived, at least not here, where I'm sitting. But if this version exists out there, even just for one person, it's enough to make me believe that someday in the future that vision will come true.

That at some unspecified point in the future, I will still be doing this.

That one day I will be doing what I sometimes dream about and also so much more.

That eventually I will write a book and I will report about the places I go.

That my words will not only help the already privileged, but also the people who's voices will never be loud enough, because of their position in the room that is this world.

I dream that I will master the skill of storytelling - at least in the written word. That people stick to my lips on paper. I want to be able to take everyone who cares, with me on my travels - pretend like they're standing right beside me as I form the next sentence.

Language connects and I want my words to be the glue that makes us feel less lonely & stuck in this often bitter world.