Relearning how to do nothing, pt. 1

18/07/23

Physically, I’m in the most wholesome & peaceful environment these days. I’m living on a farm located in the middle of the Portuguese mountains, far away from any towns or even villages, no accessibility given, when you don’t have a car. The neighbors we call ours have their homes scattered on the hillside above us. & even though they’re in walking distance from us, no noises are ever to be heard.

The land we live on is drawn out in the heart of a small valley, making you feel protected my trees and stone walls on all sides. All you hear is the chirping of the birds & cicadas, inhabiting every tree and every grass, giving them life all over again.

I’d say that this is probably the most remote place I’ve lived in so far. It's making me feel ever more cut off from the rest of the world than any island in the middle of the ocean could. These mountains own so much life, diversity, and pureness. Things that can only exist in this way because there is little that interferes with its naturalness. It could never be what it is if there was more human made stuff  here.

Given these existing parameters, life looks way different from the life of most other people. Being here, you have no opportunities for after-work coffee-dates, no possibility to step by a store to pick up one thing or the other, no chance to run into an old friend or find a new one. You are where you are and there is not much room to get away from the place your in.

At the same time, there are a lot of options to experience and do within the place itself. The natural environment offers endless opportunities for activities & space to just be, without anyone interfering, without having to ask for it, without having to search for it.

It’s right in front of you, the place and space to do nothing.

If you can.

It should be easy to do nothing in this idyll, right? Where there is nothing tempting to participate in, not a lot to spend your money on & it’s naturally hard to meet other people. The perfect opportunity to go after the long-postponed project, start a new creative hobby or stare into the nothingness for hours, calmly enjoying your thoughts coming & going.

And yes, this has been a big part of my time here. But it alternated with a strong competitor: the stress to do so. The stress to do nothing, nothing of worth in the eyes of our capitalistic society.

So often, instead of taking a step back, when I feel things are overwhelming me, I take two steps forward and fill my day with as many things as possible. Even while being in this peaceful paradise.

I’m thinking about how hard it must be for other people, those, who don’t live in the freaking forest, but in a big, buzzing city, to sit down and do nothing for just a moment…

I was surprised by the extent of negative feelings that came with it - came with me just trying to do a little less of what's being expected of me and more of what I felt called to do.

But having lived my whole life within capitalistic structures,  being told what kind of jobs & occupations are good & worthy, having seen how society looks at the artists & dreamers – it’s probably not a surprising reaction. I, and a lot of other people too I guess, are used to a constant hustle and a never ending work week.

Doing, finishing, achieving, are what makes people feel appreciated, in western society especially. Naturally, following passions & doing things that are fun, can leave us feeling like we’re wasting time or falling behind, while others are moving up the carrier ladder or approaching other goals that move within capitalistic values.

At least for me personally, it doesn't matter if what other people are chasing after is of importance or worth for me, or completly off track. Even if it's just for a moment,  I will feel bad about the fact that they're doing something efficient in the eyes of the majority of people, while I'm struggeling to fulfill  the most basic requirements of being a normal corporate person.

So the seemingly simple thing of doing nothing, turns out to be one of the hardest things for me.

But I want to give myself more grace & allow to accept the stress that comes with more nothingness, allow it and feel it taking up space inside of me. Because in this stress I see a breakthrough out of the wishes & standards & ideas that society has for me & all of us.

>It's the not being efficient, not working full-time, not having a side-hustle or a hobby that is beneficial for your carrier or your LinkedIn profile.

>It’s the feeling bad for leaving early, while taking a break because you need it.

>It’s the constant comparing that takes place between yourself and others, when it comes to where you stand in life, what you’ve achieved so far, or more importantly: what you haven’t achieved yet.

It's fine to experience emotional reactions like stress towards not moving with the stream - it’s not okay to let our reactions influence us in the way that we don’t take our thoughts & ideas seriously anymore.

Seemingly easy, doing nothing brings a lot of complexity with it, requires a lot of thought being put in it, a lot of good whys so that we actually do it. And maybe, just like we schedule everything else, we also have to schedule down-time, us-time, nothing-time.

I did just that yesterday and found it to be very helpful. I planned to spend the afternoon laying in my hammock, listening to a podcast & do nothing else. It was so good that I almost felt like I didn’t deserve this time & feeling. At the same time, I was glad and proud to have given myself this time.

Planning time-off also seems to be a good strategy against general decision fatigue and feeling insufficient.It's helping me keep an overview of my week, the things I did already & plan on doing, things I’ve neglected in the last couple of days and things I actually feel like doing. Through creating this bigger picture I can give myself more grace & allow for more mindful down-time.

But I think this behavior, having to schedule time-outs, shows how I'm not trusting myself to still be doing enough when I don’t have every minute planned. It clears the view of a constant fear of not making the most of my day.

I think it’s easier to blame yourself for doing too little, than it is for doing too much. But there is so much potential laying in allowing your mind & body to relax, it just doesn't show itself in the way that tangible things do. It has no fungible outcome. Rather it's hidden inbetween the lines, giving life a little more meaning & a little more calmness.

These are just random thoughts and I think every person has differnet reasons for why it's hard for them to do less capitalistic bullshit. Though I'm pretty sure that a general fear of missing out and failing to meet the demands of society is keeping a lot of peoples minds busy.

With all the noises & distractions it's hard to identify our true feelings & see our intuitions for what they are. We don't trust life to take us down the right stream, find it impossible to indulge into the free flow of it. I think the only way to get better at this is to withdraw our attention from all the sources of information that actually don't serve us. Because just then do we have a chance to see what we are actually about and get the opportunity to find more of what actually makes us feel good & alive.

And probably like any other new thing, it takes time and practice to integrate it into our lives. But with every glimpse, however small, I can see clearer what life is holding for me. That for, I gladly give up all the media junk food the world tries to feed me every day.