thoughts over time

29th of March 2024

Keelung, North Taiwan

I started to feel somehow unwell yesterday. It was the evening time and I had spent the afternoon working on my computer. Things were fine, but something felt off. My way home took me right through the city of Keelung. From the far west to the far east. I listened to a podcast, as I often do these days. It does me good. At the same time, the content made me rumble. The streets were full. They were loud and rowdy, as always.

The content of the podcast... it made me think. Thoughts started rolling and before I could look around, I was no longer here.

So it happened that I fell out of the moment quite inconspicuously. Thoughts drove me away, out to sea, when I feel so much better, watching the waves from the shore.

Later that evening, I was trapped in such a sticky framework of thoughts that the stable ground of the now had completely disappeared. The many thoughts about the future filled me with worry. I realized: I have no idea what the future holds. I don't know where I'm going, who I want to be, who I want to be with.

I never knew, but right now it is perhaps more unclear than ever before.

Tell me, do you feel the same way?

That whenever you think about the future, about all the things you still have to do and experience, panic sets in? A feeling of overwhelm overtakes your body?

"Too much, too much!" it screams in my head. 

The little dwarf up there loses track, he just wants to hide away in his cozy home again, go about his life carefree and calm.

This happens every time. Where I was just trying to catch the future, it now wants to catch me. It chases after me, infiltrates my thoughts and makes me sleepless. Like a monster that you woke up. I'd better let it sleep.

Reclaiming myself

The thing is, over the last few weeks I've realized that these thoughts are nonsense.

We're constantly being made to believe that we're lost if we don't know where we're going. People ask me how long I want to live "this lifestyle" and are stunned when I can't give them an answer.

You don't know where you want to be in five years?

Don't know what job you want to do and haven't found the one thing you want to be with for the rest of your life?

No [insert German name for a Karen], I haven't. And I'm pretty convinced that I also don't have to.

Why?

Because we can't predict the future. Not even if we wish for a certain scenario. Any attachment to an idea of how something will be will lead to disappointment. Things always turn out differently than we think.

Everything is ever changing. None of our feelings, none of our thoughts remain forever. Everything positive and everything negative will pass at some point, changes and becomes something else.

This makes me realise anew that the only thing that makes sense is to live in the moment.

Why is "living in the moment" the only thing that makes sense and what does that even mean?

Living in the moment means not worrying about the past or the future. It means being less in your head and more in reality. More in the life that is happening in front of you. Feeling and remembering yourself constantly that time is passing and we only have the now to act.

So I can think of my past self, but that is passive. The me a year ago happened, it will forever be what it is. The only possibility for change is in the now.

I can also think about my future self. I can rack my brains about who I want to be, how I want to be. But where does my future self come from? From the decisions I make now.

Who we are is a sum of decisions. Decisions that have led us to different places and to different people. They all have an influence on us, making us feel and see different things.

In that way, I decided to travel to Taiwan and everything I experienced here has shaped and molded the me that I am at this point in time.

Doubt and conflict

I can well imagine that it sounds like a naive idea to some people. I know that many people's lives are full of worries and so many feel powerless in the face of everything that happens in this world and in their lives.

We worry about aging and finances. About our health, that of our loved ones, that of our environment. We think we have to meet certain standards and expectations, or perhaps even want to.

We worry about safety and are crushed every day by the wave of terrible news.

And honestly, I don't have a universal answer as to how we can free ourselves from all these worries. But trying to be as grounded as possible in the here and now is what helps me.

What it feels like

Being in the moment makes me more aware of everything I have. I am aware of the suffering in the world, but at the same time I see all the beauty I am surrounded by. I know there is illness and suffering, but I also know that I can only help it up to a certain point. Doing what I can is all that matters.

Realizing that everyone has different dispositions, different interests, a different focus, makes me accept more and more that I can't save the whole world. And so it becomes calmer in my head. I have more peace and can be a better person for this world.

If I live in the moment I am attentive and receptive to feelings and thoughts that come up. I am attentive when dissatisfaction and frustration arise. They are a sign that something is wrong and that I might need to change something.

Isn't it sometimes good to worry about things?

I think we have to distinguish between worrying and contemplating. The former is emotional, the latter can be more rational.

In the world we live in, it's not possible not to think about tomorrow, but that’s not my point at all. I think it’s about not fixating on moments laying in the past or future.

Can we perhaps think about something without it completely taking over the present?

Can we make plans without committing ourselves to a certain outcome that will disappoint us if it is not fulfilled?

Can we indulge in memories without constantly carrying the thoughts around with us?

As I write these words, an image spreads across my mind. Detached from heavy memories and worries about what is to come, we are as light as a feather. Free as a butterfly flying through the fresh mountain air.

We move freely like the wind, flowing carefree, like the water. Finally there are no strings attached to my body anymore. Nothing that is pulling me in different directions. Then my thoughts are only with what I am seeing, feeling, smelling, experiencing.

This state of being is all I strive for. Because it clears my head, allowing me to be the best version of myself. Then I have energy to be there for other people. To help where help is needed. Then I have patience and goodwill within me. Then I am content with what I have and free from demands.

How do I manage to be fully in the moment?

I think that's a journey that everyone has to discover for themselves and something that looks different every day. I know - that's probably not a satisfying answer.

However, here is what helps me.

What it is for me

Sometimes it's words that bring me back to the moment. Telling myself that I am completely with myself, with peace and strength, that helps. Telling myself that I don't have to worry, that I have everything under control, that helps.

Sometimes it's moments that bring me back to the present. Standing outside in the rain, feeling the drops on my skin and watching them fall into puddles, that helps. Surprising someone with cake, thinking about the person and then experiencing their joyful reaction helps.

I have also found three values that, when I keep them on the surface of my thoughts, keep me in the moment.

Mindfulness, patience, devotion.

Mindfulness
I walk through the streets with my eyes open and see things that delight me. The different colored buttons that the elderly lady has on her blouse to maybe bring a little more color into her life. A young girl is playing with her dogs, reminding me of the days when I was so happy with my dog. The bright green leaves on the trees, blowing in the wind. A beauty that I can witness everywhere in the world.

Patience
The sidewalk is narrow and there is rarely enough space for everyone to walk past each other. With patience, I let people go first. Sometimes that takes a lot out of me. But more often than not, I get a smile back. In a city where I'm a stranger, it's such a pleasant feeling.

Devotion
I listen to someone, because obviously the person I'm talking to needs nothing more than that. I've often missed the chance to really understand someone because while I was listening, I was just waiting to give my clever answer. Patiently I put my ego to the side and give myself completely to the conversation. My mind becomes calm. Nothing is important now except being here, listening. I am here and nowhere else. Good for me and my counterpart.

What now?

I’m sure of it: it makes no sense to be anywhere else than in the here and now.

If I'm not I miss out on what I really feel and if I miss out on that I can never know what I want for the future. I wont be able to make decisions that are really good for me.

The person in question is not the one who lived a year ago or two years ago. It's the person who is typing the letters right now. It's about her, about her alone.

Changes

From now on, every time my mind takes a leap into the future, I try to bring myself back to the now.

Every time I’m about to panic about not knowing what will be and where I will be, I will remind myself that it's okay and I can't know. There are too many possibilities floating around in the air. An infinite number, if you will.

From the point where I am standing, it can go on in all directions.

From where my thoughts are, dreams and ideas can take me anywhere in the world. I would only be wasting precious time and energy when I once again try to draw the future into my field of vision.

I am giving away my greatest gift: my attention. The one that lets me see and experience all of this. I only need to think about it for a minute to realize that nothing is worth giving up my attention.

I will go, I will learn, I will see. In return, I'll take life as it comes. Pay attention to my feelings as they come. Take the path of least resistance, a bit like a river winding its way down a mountain. I have often heard that it is good to take water as an example. It seems to me to be a good teacher.